im lonely

i want to feel beautiful
i want to feel loved
captivating
cared for
needed

i want love
but then i dont
i want to shine on my own
but i dont

i just want love
to be loved
to feel beautiful
to feel
.....woah...

im lonely
thats my soul
bare and naked
i want love
thats it


prince charming better be late

not MIA....
i hope not...

man ive been gone for a while...
i love and miss you guys!
uttah your the love of my life
val i heart you mucho
molly is my sexy beast
and katie
your sweetness has yet to be rivaled!!!
i love you guys
i miss you lots
and im sorry for being a myspace whore :(

so its been so long an icant help but want to go back...
things are differet right now.
i cant put my finger on it but they are....
so i love you all!!!
and myspace has stolen my soul:(
hehe que sad! much love homies!!!

so peeps i am now opening the bid on my dignity..
Shall we start at oh 5 dollars..
AND GO!!!!!

went to "la cantera" ugh...
so yeah every now and then i wish for some refinement and class...who doesnt?
i wish i had a new york life..live in an up town loft walk through central park(during the day)
sip lates blah blah blah
OR maybe a simple mountain /sea side life...
live in the nountains by the sea
surf and climb..see snow...
OR a small town life....
tiny house, cardigans....a boston terrier.
OR a london apartment...yeah...foggy days...British pop...country club elitism
and PUBS
I dont know i wish i could live in the JCREW catalogs..
i know its fake...but i love the class..refinement..breeding..eh
when i go to places where i feel dirty i know that there is something wrong.
REAding pride and prejudice
i wonder how i would be if i was an "accomplished girl"
I love thier life style..ladys with taste
i dont like the limits on thier lives however..
then my pride begins to boil and i want to be a rebel
unlike everyone else
but then i am like everyone else....
whatever..

the bid has ended
DIGNITY SOLD TO THE YOUNG GROUP OF CAUCASIANS SHOPPING wITH MOMMIES aND DADDIES credit cards!

eh.....

so yeah little times do i ever get offended but when a douche who i dont even know tries to leave a stupid bullshit comment on shit he knows nothing of thats whe i cross the line!
so uttah recieved a comment on his lj by some gay ass MONARCHKING and it ticked me off!
so yeah i think he might be gay and i dont discriminste at all though i do have my religious beliefs but damn hes such a douche!
I love my friends and dont EVER EVER LEAVE A FAGGOTY COMMENT LIKE THAT OR I WILL GET FUCKING PISSED!
i am a very jealous person w/my friends...hurt one...offend one... and I WILL HAVE UR BALLS ON A FUCKING PLATE!!!!

anywho lunch was fine but i missed my band nerds!! hehe nerds rule!
hope everything was fine at the band thing!
but yeah that pretty much it. latahs!

so here i am ..homecoming day and crying..
why?
i cant stop
everytime i get started
i cant stop
suddenly my eyes swell up and i cry.
heres what started it:

GAbriel(pastor boy)
soo okay he has a girlfriend named sarah and well b4 we began to talk they were already talking
anywho she was like a rowdy ho...so to speak..she is also a pastors daughter...
anywho she would jerk him around alot, she was a big tease.
so we were talking then we stopped and they were talking again...
so she came to church and my sisters were like ooh shes a bitch
shes ugly
blah blah blah
but when i met her she was very pretty!!!!
very pretty
soo anywho she has a little sister and well one day her parents asked the church to pray for her duaghter because she has cancer!
we thought it was the little one but it was sarah..
so like i thought it wasnt that big o deal
but its "hodgkins" lymphoma
stage three
malignant...

yesterday i was driving with gabe downtown going towards the hotel and well we were talking
and i asked how she was and he explained all that was gonna happen,her condition,and chemo
soo he said something that i will NEVER FORGET
due to the passion in his voice..
he said
(after i explained about what might happen...her dying...)
"Syl DONT TALK LIKE THAT,thats not even an option..im gonna marry this girl..shes the one..
I already talked to GOD..and lord i will do your bidding,ill do your work and minister to your people,but i want the girl of my choice and i choose sarah."

he talked with such love and emotion that i couldnt help but want to cry..he loves her sooo much
can you imagine loving someone with that passion?
and then i thought about he calls me sweetie and says i love you
because ya know we're soo close!
hes like a brother and when he hugs me he hugs me with a deep passion that
means he just wants me to hold him..to reassure him..but i cant
or i havent..its like ive been such a bad friend and i dont know...
i love him soo much and i dont want him to get hurt
but he might and that scares me soo much!
hes been there with all the shit we've been through with my brother and i feel like i cant
NOT LET HIM GET HURT..

If i could spare each of my friends pain I would..i would..
but i cant and that hurts me soo much

and while we were in my room
he was on my bed w/my laptop and i was about to close the door
when he said
"It'll be okay all we have to do is have faith in the lord
he does these things for a reason..all we need is faith."


all i said was "hah."

Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally

Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story

and it's okay if you have to go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
and if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
cause I'll remember everything you said

im soo ugh i dont know
ive told him already how i feel
its not like he doesnt know
but hes still hurt by you and isnt ready for a relationship
but we talk soo much on the phone
30 min
45 min
1 hour
1 and 1/2
2 hours
2 and 1/2
3....and we never run out of things to say...
always talking
joking laughing
its like weve been living parallel lives
serously hes been through the same things
Everything...
ehh but then again whos to say i wont run again ....i do everytime
sigh....
well im happy being loved as a friend
i can be okay with it
i am
am i..?

Drops of Jupiter

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

i think im scared now

"What do you believe in?
Anything?
You can tell me, I won't judge you, or make fun.
Unless of course it's funny.
Then I will laugh and mock you.
And you will be forced to be insulted.
And your feelings will probably get hurt.
And we won't be friends any longer.
And we can't have that now can we.
Can we?

VEry strange eh..
hmm i dont like that sometimes other people who are poets
can capture better what I want to say
than i can
does that make me unoriginal? or is everyone unoriginal?

todays the day.
3:30-4:00pm
goodbye all